THE CONFESSIONS OF A SUICIDAL

THE CONFESSIONS OF A SUICIDAL 
-A Scorpio experience, or house VIII- 

(in the confessional of any church in the world) 

Translation from Spanish: Las confesiones de un suicida

-dedicated to Lost Queen-

 

Suicidal: "Ave Maria Purisima" ... 

Priest: "Conceived without sin, ... what sins do you want to confess, my son?" … 

Suicidal: "I have the idea of ​​committing suicide, of leaving this cruel world for good, I don't want to live anymore, I'm shit and I don't deserve to live, ... is this a sin?" … 

Priest: "My son, ... this is a very big sin, against you and against God, you must not commit suicide, God gives you a life that you must live, that you must sanctify, that you must feel in all its fullness, a life that you must to love, at the same time that you love yourself, above all else, and for this reason you should not do it, ... why do you want to commit suicide?" … 

Suicidal: "Because I don't deserve to live, because I'm shit, ... because I don't give my work to others, because I don't let others trample me, because I don't let them use me, because I don't let them abuse me, because I don't let them rob me, because I defend myself when someone attacks me, because I put myself in my place when appropriate, because I don't let them treat me like a doormat, because I don't let them treat me like a handkerchief, because I don't let them use me as if I were toilet paper, and for many other things, ... is this a sin?" … 

Priest: "My son, ... this is not a sin, you must always put yourself in your place, it is where you always belong, and not in the place where the others want you to be, the others will want you to be their servant, their fucking server, his doormat to clean his own shit and his own ass too, ... and you don't want it to be like that!! ... therefore you do not commit any sin, and therefore there is no reason to commit suicide, ... why do you want to commit suicide?" … 

Suicidal: "It's just that people don't like that I do this, ... nobody likes that I tell them what they don't want to hear, they all want me to flatter them, to suck up to them, to serve them as if I were their servant and had the obligation to do it, ... and also they want me to believe their lies and deceptions, and then, when I don't, they all feel angry and against me, and so later they try to step on me even more, to see if I they gut everything they can and then abandon me, and that's why I think I don't have the right to live, ... is this a sin?" … 

Priest: "My son, ... in this life people will always want to crucify you, in order to become their victim, and in order not to see themselves as victims, that is what Jesus Christ did, ... let everyone flog him, let himself put a crown of thorns on his head, let his disciples betray him and abandon him, when he needed them most, ... let everyone make fun of him, let one sell him for a few silver coins, ... let another deny him three times, ... let everyone abandon him, ... and when it happened that he always did for others and never abandoned anyone, but he forgot of himself, … none of his disciples or his relatives carried his cross, he had to carry it on his way to Calvary, no one wanted to carry it, while he, like a fool, previously carried the cross of others, … why do you want to commit suicide?” … 

Suicidal: "Because it seems that I don't have the right to live, because it seems that I don't have the right to be myself, because I no longer want to carry the cross of others, because it seems that I am doing it in the wrong way, and because it seems that the others are right, because it seems that I am not, because I am different from the others, and because I do not want to continue in the flock of docile lambs either, ... is this a sin? …  

Priest: "My son, ... you should not be what others want you to be, they will want you to serve them and treat them as if they were your masters, ... they will want you to be their slave, to always be aware of what they may need, that you take care of them when they are ill and that you give them shelter in your house when they feel like it, that you feed them and pay the bills, and even if you don't have any obligation to do so, and even if you don't have the money for it either, ... they will want to abuse you as much as they can and much more, if you let yourself, ... but you don't let yourself!!, ... you told me so, ... why do you want to commit suicide?" …

  
Suicidal: "My children have abandoned me, because I have told them that they are old enough to fend for themselves, I have told them that I cannot be their father for the rest of their lives, that they should be from now on, but they don't understand it, they still think that I have all the obligation towards them, and I don't have it now, they are older and have their lives, and have the luxuries they want, but they try to suck everything they can out of the boat, and I can't accept this, I cannot continue to feed their desires and their whims, ... is this a sin?" … 

Priest: "My son, ... in life there is a time to feed your children, but there is also a time for your children to feed you, ... you cannot be giving them a breast all your life, because that way they will never learn to be adults, they will continue always being immature children, and who will never know how to find their maturity, and who will never learn to fend for themselves. It's okay that you let them learn how to do it, it's okay that you don't allow them to abuse you, it's okay that you put yourself in their place, they are older and you no longer need to be their father, ... why do you want to commit suicide?" …

Suicidal: "It's that I swear a lot, every day, every time I receive abusive and incorrect bills from the telephone and electricity company, for example, as well as others such as insurance companies and all these little groups that feel powerful for being large. It happens that I get very angry, when they want to charge me more than they owe, or when they try to deceive me, or when they try to abuse their power over me ... I know they do it to everyone, but I don't consent and I protest to them and I make claims and complaints, I also tell them about everything, I swear at them very fat, ... is this a sin?" ...

Priest: "My son, ... don't you remember that the poor will inherit the Earth, ... and that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God? ... Don't worry about what you can tell them and about the complaints and claims you make, you have the right to do so, you have the right to tell them what they don't like to hear, remember that nobody likes to be told the truth, don't worry about this, plus I can lend you a good thesaurus, in case you fall short and want to know some fatter swear word,... why do you want to commit suicide?" … 

Suicidal: “This is a very cruel world, you cannot trust others, they betray you whenever they can, you cannot believe what they tell you, they lie to you, deceive you and make you believe what they want, but I realize this and I do not allow it, but when I show them their lies they immediately deny them, making me believe that I am the one who is wrong. They manipulate the words that come out of their mouths, ... they turn them, twist them, ... and in such a way that, in the end, they believe their own lies, they live in a false, unreal, lifeless world, with an appearance of reality to them, but it's not like that, and they don't see it, they are closed to see the reality of their own life, and so they want me to follow their game, but I don't want to follow their game!! ... I do not want others to take me for an imbecile, so as not to see their own imbecility, and not to see their own falsehood either, … is this a sin?” … 

Priest: "My son, ... society and the family never allow individuals to stray from the norm, society and the family always want everyone to be within the herd, that no one stray from it, ... for this there are the politicians, both from the family and from society, ... to exercise their power over you and not allow you to leave that flock, which they themselves lead to the slaughterhouse, to the place where all the docile sheep that follow the shepherd go, which docilely go to the slaughterhouse, ... but believing that the shepherd takes them to the best pastures in the area, ... why do you want to commit suicide?" ...  

 

Suicidal: "Do you know, Father?, ... I think you are absolutely right in the world, ... let the others commit suicide!!!" …

Priest: "Ego te absolvo a peccatis tuis, in nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti". 

 

Suicidal: "Amen".

Text of the book "Three brothers and an end" - Diary of a family karma (IV) - The Game of Hide and Seek (the encounter), copyright reserved. DF. Nomemientas Gavilán.

 Church of San Juan de Malta (Palma de Mallorca-Spain)

IF YOU CAN ... (Rudyard Kipling)

 

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies, or, being hated, don’t give way to hating, and yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream and not make dreams your master; 

If you can think and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken, twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, or watch the things you gave your life to broken, and stoop and build ’em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, and lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew, to serve your turn long after they are gone, and so hold on when there is nothing in you, except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch; if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; if all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute, with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run, yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, and, which is morem you’ll be a Man, my son!